Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
I opened my heart to see what's inside. To have a look at what's happening in there. I found some lines shattered all around, intersecting each other & moving apart. Straight, crooked, thick & thin, they all have been formed over the years.
I found dark sides & a few brighter ones. I saw familiar faces but in different sizes. I saw places & objects, thoughts & words, laughs & frowns, moments & days.
I heard something, so I leaned & my ear approached my heart. Something deep inside was ticking. No, that was not the sound I heard. It was deeper. I stood to close the window & stop any source of noise. I need to concentrate, to identify the voice.
I bowed with my ear again & held the heart in my hand. Has the sound gone, or was that only illusions!
I gazed at the heart again & shook it a few more times. I held it up in the air, turning it in my hand. On hearing someone scream in pain, I dropped it.
"Ouch! That hurt. Why are you surprised? You already know I'm sensitive."
"Don't you think I've had enough from you, the last thing I need is another fall!"
"Yea, what's new! You always say that every time & then you drop me till I can sink no more."
_"Don't be hard on me. You're tender with everyone. I'm human…ok"
"DO YOU THINK THAT'S AN EXCUSE????!!!"
_"HEEEY! Watch your words; I'm the one in control here. You belong to meee."
"Huh! That's what you think, I don't belong to any one here you creature. You own nothing! You
think you could do whatever & whenever you feel like it, & just go with it. I've had enough. You turned me into night while I was born shining. You hurt me with wounds while I was created sound. You stained every corner leaving no place for dusk. Now what do you expect?!"
_ "I've done good deeds in my life, & I don't need to remind you of them."
"What makes you so sure they reached any where beyond your Earth? Bla Bla Bla. Such fake confidence"
_"And what makes you so sure they did not. Stop acting like you know it all. You're always interrupting me with your big No No's. Let me live in peace"
"YOU, let me live in the serenity I used to know. You grew up & thought you can handle it on your own!! You're destroying me every time you breathe. Have mercy on me. Stop your ugly thoughts, your misguided deeds. Stop ignoring my voice. Whenever you do something against me, I warn you but you keep rejecting. Ok as you like. Keep ignoring my signals & I'll be buried forever. Now let's see who could notify you again."
_"you never judge people, what happened?"
"You're asking me? Look in the mirror & you'll find out. Move. Look deep through yourself. Do you feel relaxed? Do you feel at ease? You always make me burn with your desires. You deprive me from the sweetness of being connected with up there. That's what happened."
_"You've never told me that, don't blame me."
"You stopped listening. Now pay attention to me. Get used to my voice…. Listen to your heart"
Saturday, July 11, 2009
She stood admiring it for a while, wondering if it belonged to her. Along the path she walked, screening all the other doors & searching for anything extraordinary. Maybe someone has left her a clue to help recognize it.
The first seemed with nothing familiar. She moved to the second, which completely looked the same. It took her a while to reach the third door as it started getting crowded. There has to be something wrong. They were all similar to her. Why did she ever think God has left her a sign on her door!
Anxious people all around were pushing; probably they were looking for their doors too. She passed by another group of people who looked different…why they seemed so confident…maybe they have an answer. "Umm excuse me Miss…ehhh sister…sister?" The stranger looked at her with disgrace & twisted her head away. She turned again to face her "Umm, yes you miss…lady in white…May I ask Y..o.." She didn't even finish & the lady left giving her that look but fiercer this time.
"Ok no more ladies" She murmured. "Hey sir…Mr., over here!" Same disappointment. What's with the look nowadays!
By the time she moved to the sixth door, it was almost impossible to move, harder to breathe & no one even bothered to look. She had to search alone. After endless trials, she managed to scan the main eight doors. There was not a single sign for her!! What kind of sign was that!!
She seriously had no other option except dive through all those queues again to catch a closer look at the doors. "Maybe I missed something." She thought.
While on her way, a thought hit her, perhaps there was a parchment or so hung on each door stating its people. "Yea, how stupid of me to think that someone would leave me a sign." She whispered. "It's a LIST for God's sake"
"Here we go again Besm Allah", the first door said "AL Salaah"(The prayers)…how come she didn't notice the label before. She ran to read the list & was stopped every three seconds. She was kicked, shot & pushed until she penetrated the crowd & her face hit the firm door. The pain was unbearable but at last, she stood in front of it. God it smelt so good. She wondered what was on its other side.
She raised her head up to its maximum & then down again. "No waaaay, it could take me ages to finish reading this." She had no one to help & no other choice. She had to look for her name. The letters were arranged alphabetically. The list seemed endless & she was running out of time. Some of the names were familiar & others weird that were hard to pronounce or even determine their nationality.
By the "Salaah" door someone tall was standing. He looked so pure, calm & serene spreading warmth & radiance. She has never seen such shiny beauty before; it was not the Earthly looks we were used to. "He must be an angel." she thought. She admired him for a while & was then sure angels were made of light. Angels are good natured, she felt he would definitely offer help.
She couldn't wait to tell her friends she saw an angel but she even wondered how come they didn't check on her up till now, even her family didn't.
"Assalamu A'laykum dear angel, I was wondering if that's my door…. I mean my door to
His beautiful face looked at hers, scanned it for a while, and shook his head with sorrow. "But why….wh..e..r..e?" She sobbed. In no time he disappeared & left. She didn't know where he went or what was she supposed to do.
Her feet carried her far. Weeping, wailing & screaming from door to door, she had no more time, people were almost in, the doors were closing & every time she received the same disappointing sign. That's not the sign she was looking for; not that ugly sorrow expression.
She took a deep breath; He was her last hope, her only salvation. "God…God I..I..am n..o..t" She sobbed . "Ya Allah I wasn't among those who knelt to pray day & night, so I was rejected at 'the Salaah' door. Allah Your generosity has always granted me with blessings, yet I returned them every time with more greed & complain. Little did I give you thanks & praises to you ya Allah. Ya Rrr…uh..Ya Rabbi & I was rejected again at 'The Shaakerin' door & 'Al Rayyan door'. I…I…knocked at the other doors again. But they were all closed at my face & locked. "
Silence broke her words as tears drowned her eyes & ran over her blushing cheeks.
"Ya Rabbi I often had ugly feelings that crept to my heart. I felt superior to others, though who I am right now & what I possess were all destined & given by you Ya Razzaq. I forgot that …that I'm your servant & was only made from worthless Earthly mud…I …I commit tons of sins & did a lot of wrongs, though deep inside I knew from the start you hated them ya Rabb…. Allah I have nowhere to go now, I was rejected. I count on you now. You're my only & last resort."
Like never before tears burst. Fiercely they echoed like thunder on a still desert night.
" I beg you"
"I beg youuuuu"
"I beg youuuuuuuu"
She got no reply & she stood all alone. All people crossed the gates & knew their doors except her. The doors' labels failed to recognize her. A brutal thunder was heard. It echoed everywhere, inside her body & out. She looked once again up; pleading for one last chance…but to her disappointment that has refused to depart her that day…there was no sky. There was no sky!!! Where was she?
"Where am I?"
Knock…knock…Knock. Was that real!!…knock...knock…Her whole body shivered as if washed in a second & her face lit …"God forgaaaaaaaave me?"…knock…knock…knock…. "He gave me one more chance. Which door was that…the First?? No, no...the sound was near."
Knock ...knock. "My door is calling me, I'm crossing to paradise." She shouted.
"Hanaaaaaaa……" The voice echoed clearly.
"Oh, oh, oh!! My sweet door is calling my name. Yes, yes I'm coming." She screamed excitedly.
"Hanaaaa, wake up it's too late, I've been knocking on your bedroom door for ages here, wake up honey, we're late...get ready. Hurry!"
"Huh, what? Why hurry? Ah…good morning mum. Hurry? Yea...ok" She lifted her head & stared at her soaked pillow. "Yea, I need to hurry…we're not that late. It's never too late"